| *the skeleton key* |
[19 Jul 2006|03:07pm] |
ive been very "shut off", locked behind closed doors for the most recent "chapter" of my life-
He has put the finishing touches on it- the next chapter has begun.
but for those who choose, or have the slightest interest....here is ure key to the chapter i was locked behind-
->livejournal
"search"
gabriel_phoenix
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| JUST TO MAKE EVERYTHING CLEAR! |
[29 Nov 2005|03:09am] |
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as always, my words are not what i wanted them to be..but here is my best attempt-
Here i am, 36 pages later and im saying my last goodbye's! It has been such an interesting chapter of my life. The best one yet, but the ending was so intense, hard, painful and well i dont know...terribly sucky?
i will miss u all so dearly. just reading through my old post reminded me why i dont mind "taking one for the team".
Conor, i have so many post about you and how much i love you! and still do! I never tried to kiss ashley, and never said nething bad about you. i told you that the night we spoke on the fone...but nonetheless i appologize, bc i love u and just want the best for you.
Caleb, also some more misunderstandings...but man i love u and want the best for u and dani d- u of all people should know that! but nonetheless i appologize and want the best for you!
to everyone else who is mad, or hates me or whatever...
sadly i cant say that everything said about me isnt true...i wish i could... b/c it is sin and i am sorry for it. thankfully God has forgiven me and we are proceeding forward. I hope you can all find it in ure heart to forgive me as well.
my explination for the choice ive made...
most people i know consider my choice cowardly. they consider this, "alex running away." well, just to set the record straight im not! im walking away. i am washing my hands of it all and giving it to GOd, letting Him deal w/ me how He wants to and not letting myself worry about what every1 else thinks. I appologize if this has hurt ure feelings. if it has made you feel like i dont love you or dont care for you. because i do. more than any of you will ever know. i dont even know who is reading this, but i garuntee you, that if u called me and told me u read this i would be able to tell u i loved u and cared very deeply for you! i dont expect this to do any good. for it to fix ne1's hatred or dislike of me or disappointment or anything. i just want to set the record straight!
My plee:
Ive become the very person who i hated. i remeber growing up and hearing terrible things about "christains" and it breaking my heart b/c i had no idea why they could claim to love GOd so much and sin so "drastically" or "badly". In fact it is these very people who have made my faith such a difficult one! 19 and a half and i am that man, and i still dont understand! i wish i did understand so i could offer you a good view on life and sin and why we do it, but i honestly didnt even want to do it! I DID NOT WANT TO, but i did! My plee to you all is simple! dont do what i did when i was younger...take your hurt, or confusion out on God...stories like mine only pushed me away from GOd and He had to do so much to bring me bak...instead let your awe of Him intensify and your curiousity deepen. For it is an amazing wonder how the God of the universe can forgive me, the sinner. I have done nothing for His love and forgiveness, yet He gives it, and gives it freely. He never asked for anything back! mayb your view of me will never be the same. i am okay with that, but if you think differently of God and Christ because of me i could never forgive myself.
This is the end. I am going to figure it all out. Maybe we shall meet again. Im sorry, i truly am! Most of you will never hear from me again, most of you will never see me. I am moving to another country June 4th and until then will not be around much. I love you all dearly! I will prayer for you daily and hope to see you all by my side in the end!
Peace and Blessings:
Farewell
//endchoicelemnt>3:24a.m.~11/29/2005//
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| such few words, such great importance |
[23 Nov 2005|09:09pm] |
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MORE FUEL FOR THE FIRE!
YOURS AND MINE!
Should I become the very thing they all perceive? Should I become the LIE?
No, I will just remain misunderstood! I have always known I could never be accepted in my own town*
"Congratulations, your one step closer to hitting bottom!"
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| something behind it all.... |
[19 Nov 2005|01:17am] |
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" i close my eyes just to look at you"
"you -truly- are the first to crack my code"
i asked for you to show me something more real than i've ever experienced!!!
YOu, as always, were more than faithful!
Words can not express the fulfillment of this day.
I can't explain it, but it is more real than anything i have ever known!
*PEACE*
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| 6months2weeksand3days |
[18 Nov 2005|12:19am] |
i want to tell.....
maybe next year...
i believe it is destiny....
only time will tell.....
i want to trust.....
but i fear the worst...
i believe in destiny....
in time i will see...
the perfect plan will come to pass...
eyes will open....
i believe in destiny....
(this should be interesting)
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| just a little "hypnotized....." |
[13 Nov 2005|01:34am] |
well...here it is...perhaps my most profound entry to date...is it b/c ive reached a new height of enlightenment...is b/c i have come to a new life view...perhaps it is all of the above, perhaps it is b/c i now longer "care"....but to b completely honest, i havnt been honest...ive always "claimed" to b uncencored, but i havnt been, b/c i knew some1 would get hurt, so i held "something" bak...but now i DONT FREAKING care!!!!(for real though..i promise)
here it goes!
i dont care nemore....EVERY1 pisses me off-EVERYONE!!!! (even me)
to the "christains"...well ure not being very "christlike"..i appologize 4 using all this christain jargon...but it's all that i know....its what i was born into and its what was driven into my head......get off ure pedistool and learn to love....u speak of love so often that even those who are obliviouse to love have stolen ure "word".....u christains(especaillly in the south) have made Christ a "thing"....
"u pray to a savior uve never loved!!!!"
ure so afraid of falling u build a new world...a world w/ greater heights...and guess what!!! just makes greater heights to fall from! get ure heads out of ure own "behind" and TRULY learn to love....u should have these worries...and no other
-to love God w/ anything and every minute part u have
- and to love others w/ anything and everything GOd gave u....
but instead...u love ureselves w/ ne and everything u have....u have become self-rightouse, self-loving megalomaniacs.....u want to make "his and her sin" ure own...just so u can feel better about ure own!!!! to b honest w/ u...this is how i feel....
u have shoved a popsickle stick up ure butthole so u can enjoy the flavor of the crapsickle u have shoved down ure mouth....ure "spiritual dessert" if u will.....
well i cant really think of much mnore to say to "christains", cuz that kinda sums it up....
but to u non-christains u have enjoyed my rant thus far, but now u can begin to feel the "sting" of the conscience.....
ure worst off.....
i will refrain from using "christain-jargon" simply to endulge u, i will instead use my God given mind and paint some beuatiful word pictures...
wake the freaking hek up!!!! yes i know....that all u know of Christ thus far...(due to ure foregiven example..."christains") is not the best picture...in fact im sure they've painted quit a grim picture for u.....-n-fact they have almost made me want to give up.....im tired of it!!! im tired of all their selfrightouse "b.s."....but Christ has something "huge" to show us...something He wants from those who can truly love Him...those who love Him selflessly and perfectly and i know "you" are capable of it...u just have to give up and give it all over to Him!!!!!
im a fool( i know nothing!! my words are simple- i dont know "exactly" what to tell u...)talk to a "good man"(like my grandfather)...(my way of saying some1 who knows what their talking about and who truly cares more about u and ure relationship w/ God, more than they care about their own self....those who have done this for so long that they "know" God.....) i hope u find God...cuz He is the ONLY answere......
I know VERY VERY VERY few people will read this cuz tons and tons of people hate me rite now!!! like i said earlier...i dont care!!!! and after reading this i know even more people will hate me and probably be "confused"...
let me set the record strate.....
I suk the most...of nebody an everybody...that is and will be!!!!ive messed up so many times i deserve HELL- I, alexander James hiers, deserve to burn in hell for what i have done, for what i am doing and for what i will do.....but i pray to GOd that in this moment He will see that ALL..the only thing i want is for us ALL to love Him and "get it".....
(Lord please...i beg YOu!!! I love YOU!!!! We are doomed w/out You!!!, and despite "his" lies....we NEED you, in a VERY VERY real way.....im making a "fool" out of myself praying on "livejournal" but it's the realest thing ive done and we do need YOu!!! SAVE US!!! SHow ureself to us....the sinner....)
well its 2:20ish freakin a.m. and my bestfriend adam is sleeping...i think he gets it!!! THank God...i hope in time I will get it and in time YOu, every single one of u, will get it!!!! until then... may His peace and blessings be with u...may "you" 4give me(God and man) for my transgressions...(all of them) and may the "end" be a pleasant one for us all.....*wink
__end of the rant...(i think)
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| nonstop...... |
[03 Nov 2005|03:41pm] |
i am...at this VERY moment getting my leg inked up!!!! shane is behind me...we're listening to the greece soundtrack and stuart is, as always, giving me some great laughs!!!! i love this one! its so cool- my first original tatoo!! thanks for making the trip w/ me stuart...thanks shane for the inc! thanks nonstop art for AMAZING work!!!!! until next time
Live today like it were ure last!!!!
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| TEST |
[19 Oct 2005|10:01am] |
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mood |
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more angry than ive ever been |
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and now the true test of friendship comes......
To believe lies or not to believe.....
*END*
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| 5/8 is deceptive |
[09 Oct 2005|02:54am] |
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"i'de like to pull your halo down, around your neck and tug you off your cloud"
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| seasons... |
[08 Oct 2005|01:34am] |
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Experiencing the warmth....
and the bitter chill....
it's crazy the way i feel this time of year....
it's crazy what it makes me think.....
how much longer must i fight on this front?
what am i becoming?
rearranged?
love?
"just think about it"
my element.... weathered and destroyed...but i will overcome. i will return as something better, something greater than what i was when i left.
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| the sting |
[05 Oct 2005|03:14pm] |
disclaimer:
any time light overtakes darkness, a certain sting is unavoidable. allow me to explain myself. I will probably say some things that will make you feel uncomfortable, uneasy and perhaps even make you a bit angry. This may cause you to want to become defensive. Let me, at this moment, release you from those thoughts and allow you to proceed through this entry with a free spirit. take every word i say in and examine it. process it and then take from it what you please...but i simply ask you to give it ALL a chance...even if you disagree with even just 1%....give it a chance.
secondly i would like to say that i in no way desire to use this entry as a qualifier. In the next few lines i will be discussing my thoughts on sin and in no way want to be taken as someone who thinks they can judge what sin is. God is the only one wo can judge sin and the sinner. i only wish to offer you my thoughts and experiences. I do however believe that sin is anything that breaks the heart of God and that is what i am addressing!
THe entry: Over the past couple days i have been thinking about what it is that traps us so easily and so quickly in this thing called "sin". Based on some things ive had to deal with the past couple days, weeks, and months my eyes have been opened to a very simple yet powerful concept.
At a very young age we desire that which we can not have. is it because what we desire is neccesarily a terrible thing? i dont really think so. yeah, i guess there are some sins that in no way benefit you(i.e. hard core drugs, suicide, murder and im sure there are others i dont really feel like thinkin about) but u get my point... so ure 5 and ure mom just baked the best freaking batch of cookies that have ever been baked ever in eternity...and u r thinkin "awe snap, im guna hit up some of them cookies.." ok not really...ure 5 and u dont talk like a retarded scene kid( and by scene kid i just mean the kids i hang out w/...jon, adam, jake, stuart, conor, wesley...the gang...and none of them really are scene kids....i guess i just felt like making fun of scene kids and referencing my awesome friends) when ure 5 ure probably thinking...."ewwwwwwww cookies, me want!"
sadly ure mother says "no, you cant have any cookies until u have dinner first." now u know what used to run through ure head at 5. "CRAP! that means i have to eat brocoli and carrots and some nasty meatloaf. no thanks mom. i think ill just fill up on these freaking yummy cookies." and now the conflict arrises. u can choose to obey or disobey(sin).
obey: u eat ure nasty dinner and then stay up with ure family, enjoy milk and cookies and watch reruns of america's funniest homevideos.
disobey: u wait til u have ure chance to sneak a warm goowy cookie. get caught, get spanked, and get sent to ure room for the rest of the night with no dinner.
yes i know, there are many different variables that could occur in this (these) situations, but lets not get caught up in pointless crap.
now ure a young "teen/college kid" blossoming into the individual u will soon be. along with that comes this insane sexual drive that is virtually uncontrollable. now u know full well that sex is intended for marriage, but no one waits anymore. it is rare to find a virgin. i mean why not...it feels great and it rarely has consequence.
1)so ure there, the night of the vista/civenete dance and ure all staying the nite at "elizebeths" house...
2)it's alabamas homecoming and u and this grl uve been dating go back to ure place....
3)u and this girl have been dating for a REALLY long time and u know for a fact ure going to marry her....
1)things get heated....elizabeths parents are out of town....
2)ure in college and no one cares where u r or what ure doing...
3)ure thinkin im going to marry this grl....it doesnt matter what we do b/c we will b together forever.
no matter what the scenario the concept is still the same. do u choose to stay sexually pure? (and by sexually pure i dont mean "not have sex" i mean no fool around...and do ANYTHING that breaks the heart of God!)
obey: u resist temptation. and continue resisting it....(b/c until u get married it just gets easier and easier to do "stuff", harder to resist, and usually the circumstances seem more perfect to engage in an intense and passionate and beautiful thing.) u probably get teased or made fun of for being a virgin... but then you know what happens? you get the greatest gift that God has ever given His children, (with the exception of Christ dying on the cross to in turn give you an eternal life of salvation) u are able to engage in the most beautiful communion with your spouce.
disobey:u get to have A LOT of crazy sex...or mayb not sex, but "fooling around sessions". you probably don't ever get any disease or any unwanted children or anything like that. but you miss out on somethin perfect.
you know what...let's take a break from sin scenarios and talk about being in God's will because I believe that God has this AMAZINg life planned for you and You need to stay in His will. b/c He loves you SO much that He wants you to be as happy as humanly possible. He wants to give you all these amazingly great things and when your not in His will He can't and even that breaks His heart.
for example: man, i cant even tell you how badly i want to be married. yes to be honest all the physical stuff is going to be awesome, but just knowing that with marraige comes this sacred relationship that is undescribable and so beautiful and perfect, that is what i desire. My relationship with another tha is nothing more than Gods grace and love and peace and mercy and ALL that He is poured out on two endividuals for them to share with eachother. to have someone to love, to hold, to cherrish....FOREVER!!! man that is intense and I want it. so here is my predicament. i can get married...if i want to...i can go get married tomorrow. but i know it isnt Gods will and if i do...i may experiance that romance and that bond and it may be amazing, but it wont compare to what He really wants for me...and that is His best. He wants me to have "HER". my everything. the one who will fulfill my deepest desires, the one who will awaken my spirit and make me become and even greater man, the man fullfilling the most potentail i was designed to fulfill. Or maybe i know her now...but i have to wait another 2 years to even pursue anything. but i want to pursue it now..and it all still works out and we still have eachother but it isnt as good as it could have been b/c we were not patient and we tainted it. its like a perfectly good steak that was pulled of the grill a couple minutes too early and is a little more raw than ure liking. still a great steak but not perfect. or maybe it is time for you to be together, but it isnt yet time for marriage but you still take the realationship to far(physically, emotionally...mayb even spiritually).... you give too much of your heart b4 it is time to give it all away! and then you lack a certain amount of fullfilment that could have been there.
i have rambled for long enough. my intent was to offer you enough scenarios to understand the solution i have come to.
* in the first example of the child and his mother there is a lesson to be learned. the mother knew what was best for her child and only wanted the child to eat a healthy dinner. this allowed the child to be healthy and full and eventually tall and strong. she also wanted her child to enjoy the delicousies of life and enjoy it in the presence and with those who can love that child more than any other individual in the world...the parents.
likewise God wants you to enjoy those desire of your heart. and He wants to enjoy them with you. but we have to be pataient! we have to eat our vegetables of life!
i guess it comes down to this....my philosophy that is VERy simply yet very powerful.
: we have a choice. the choice is wether or not we want to be selfish and take the most convieniant, most easy and quickest path of life that results in an unfullfilling story or are we willing to walk the difficult and windy road that requires patience and toughness and character and all those things that are hard to devolope and even harder to find n other individuals.:
Are you willing to settle or will you strive for greatness.
I dont know much...but i do know this and i believe it with all my heart....God wants us to be fullfilled and be as happy as humanly possible. He desires to pour Himself out on us and allow us to experience that richness and anything and everything good He has to offer. If we choose not to live this way it breaks His heart b/c we are not as happy as we could be...
.........and when we break His heart, are we not also sinning?
*Mediocrity is the killer*
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| stories.....? |
[28 Sep 2005|09:45pm] |
so do u ever have those moments when ure completely drained and ure like "i cant go on"?...and then
!!BAM*!!
u have this moment of enlightenment and everything seems to go in slow motion and the wind is blowing ever so perfectly and theres that song on the radio that makes u feel like ure in a movie! and ure like hey...is this a movie-
okay....NO! so thats just me...but whatever...i love those moments.
the past month HAS SUKED!!!! i hated it....just so much stuff going on. ive had mono(or mano...or however u spell it) and spiritually ive been in this intense...rut...or something....conner...ure prediction almost came true....how funny that u in a way know me better than britton...
neways, the other day i was driving home and i was like...no i can do this!!! i know what i want and things ARE and WILL be beuatiful and perfect and that fairy tale ive always invisioned and imagined WILL come to pass....(i just may have to wait a year and 8 months...)
but seriously though...my story is unfolding and it is beautiful....i love it. every minute i feel like ive messsed everything up and failed God, myself, and her(whoever i will one day be priveledged enough to marry..) He reminds me that it is all in His hands and He will make it all work and even when i do mess up He teaches me somethin from it.
i guess the point to my post is this:
1) sometimes i wish people would stop viewing Christianity the same way they view me or ne1 for that matter....for example. CONor lives w me, caleb, and britton and he's dating ashley. he's good friends w/ adam, jake and stuart. man...just the handful of people i named express and practice their faith in such an extreamly different way...but one constant still remains....He loves each one of us more intensly than ne one of us could ever b loved and we have been changed profoundly and eternally b/c of that love and ne of us would respond "there is nothing like a RELATIONSHIP w/ Christ"...
i guees i feel so bad for being such a bad example sometimes and i feel like i "turn" some of u guys of to Christ and Christianity by my bad attitude and rudeness and whatever flaws i have(b/c they are many) and i wish u would just understand that it isnt us...it is HIM and im not trying to "judge" ne1 or make some gay live journal war...b/c Christ Jesus came to save sinners of who i am the worst...and i have no place to judge...but i know that some people who read this dont understand me...or caleb or whoever and they think that we as individuals are so contridicting our faith must be just as contridictory....but its not.there is a truth we are grounded by and more importantly freed by...and there is a sacred romance we experience in a qualitty relationship with our savior...our father...our friend...and i want more than nething that all those i love and am friends with to xperience the same way...i appologize if i have offended u...that was not my intent...i love u ALL and want nothing more than for u 2 experience the same quality changed life i have.....nothing more nothing less.
2) im a hopeless romantic..and i just want to experience my fairy tale....and im at that age i could just go get married....w/ ne1, netime...i mean heck my friends are starting to get married, engaged and thinking about it......but im learning that God does have that perfect story for me and it will be better than i ever imagined...but He still has things to teach me and in time(mayb a specific amount of time) it will all work out!!!!
that's about it i guess......
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| to any, to all |
[23 Sep 2005|04:46pm] |
to all who have called and i have not called bak....
to all who have called and left messages and i have not called bak(im even more sorry 4 this one)
to all who have sent me txt msgs and i have not responded
to all who have seen me and i have ignored u, given u the cold shoulder, or just been rude
to all who have asked to hang out and ive declined
to all i have bailed on
to all that i have inconvienienced
to any1 who has noticed ive been different or just cares.....
I AM SOOOOOOO SORRY!
i have mano and all ive done is what i have to(work and church) and slept.
i hate it!!!!!! it doesnt help that i have ALOT going on in my "world" rite now...and i hate it...perhaps i will post on that later... 2 the praying type...keep me in ure prayers. i am weak and vulnerable.
the the rest of u- wish me ure best- i need it-
again. im sorry...to any, to all i have inconvienienced, hurt, or sent ne bad vibes to. i REALLY am sorry- i have nothing but love 4 u all....seriously. ALL OF YOU!!!!
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| more poetry |
[29 Aug 2005|04:29pm] |
i've had my share of your white wine.
ive sat with intellects and schollars of every kind.
every creed, every race, and from every nation and ive listened to them resite their drunken reasonings.
ive sipped your reddest of wines.
ive indulged you and now my linnens are stained.
i bid you farewell my fickle friend.
Kudos to you, the enlightened few. We'v found satisfaction in the well! We'v tasted truth!
and w/ truth came sight. now we can see through the haze. and w/ new vision came clarity. a new sound resonates through our souls and w every step the harmony becomes more perfect.
We are becoming something new...something better...
SPIRITUS GLADIUS~
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| that which i know about love.... |
[22 Aug 2005|07:01pm] |
through the gentle breaze i hear the majestic sounds of a thousand manned symphony.
i close my eyes and suddenly the harmonies manifest. an angel flutters her wings and i feel her caress my face. im holding the essence of heaven in my very arms. i will never let you go my sweet angel!
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| i love...music |
[28 Jul 2005|01:20am] |
so 24 hours with my ipod i got for the bday! i love it!!1 i love music- 567 songs and its nowhere near capactiy(ashley...that means i can give u ure cd's bak now)....i dont have these artist on cd....if you have it...would u mind letting me borrow it....leave ure name and fone # so i can contact u- ure the best!!!!
*audiovent
*korn
*spicegirls
*hoobastank
*emenim
*silent fall
*tool
(im sure there are more i "need"...but this is a good starter)
thanks again-
alex
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| TURNING TIDES.... |
[26 Jul 2005|12:25am] |
Another year to live.
THe New Begginings have begin, and what i once knew is now a glorious memory.
I shall embark into this unknown realm with arms wide open, and i shall do so boldly!
The circle spins but each revolution brings me closer to the end!
I shall never return to the old way of life!
Take me away, I'm yours!
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| part se7en: diving in |
[13 Jul 2005|12:44pm] |
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i've never understood why i have this "fear" of the unknown. why do i freak out when im @ the beach at nite time and i have to run into the water because adam let his skimboard get away from him. do i think some massive shark is going to eat me alive 5 feet into the ocean, where the waves are breaking at my waist....let alone when there are no waves it's like knee deep. I, alex hiers, am afraid of the freaking ocean....at night time, when it is only knee deep.how pathetic! i guess i just fear the unseen, the unknown. you cant be bold, brave, and daring when you have no idea what you are facing(or so it seems)! i guess i would say i fear the depths of the unknown...and the uncertainty that brings.
over time ive realized my spiritual self fears the same thing. God calls me to a "deeper" level w/ Him, but so often i dont b/c im scared of what it could mean. i fear what i dont know. im made uncomfortable in the uncertainty it presents. the ironic thing to me is that no matter where u are in ure "spiritual journey" every call to dive deeper conjures the exact same feeling...and no matter how many times we work up what it takes to dive in to that deeper level, it seems every time after that is that much harder. wether uve never taken that first dive and given ure life to Him, or you are in a relationship that is bringing you down and u need to break up w/ "him/her", or you have an adiction you can no longer have and God is asking you to give it up, or you've been really selfish and God is asking you to be humble and love those around you(like He has called you to do) and put them before you, or you're learning to be more respectful to your mom/dad even though you know their wrong and you're right...you still show them respect, or God is calling you to give up financail security(being a doctor, lawyer...ect) to be a pastor or missionary so the amazing truth of His grace and love can be shared w/ ALL who are willing to listen....
there are so many examples...some are extremely profound...deep life philosophies that ure meant to adopt and live out...some are simple every day things(which sometimes can be the hardest to live out)...but we are called to dive deeper every day...wether it be ure first time or ure millionth time...GOd is there and He is calling you to come deeper! i know it is hard. but our salvatio is a continuous thing...its not a "one time event"(like so many people view it these days). But im here to tell you this. YOU WILL BE BLESSED! the promises God has given us all about life and sacrifices we make in this world are what keep me going.
I hope you will be encouraged to dive in each and everytime you are called to. DON't hold back...
~Jesus dei dich liebt~
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| a break from the parts.....just an "aside" |
[10 Jul 2005|07:56pm] |
to you:
if only you knew how much that meant to me. a simple phone call to assure that there was clarity. i simple phone call to affirm a friendship....a brotherhood. i've had a long and very "rough" day. to be completely honest with you...i was HONESTLY losing a very unhealthy amount of confidence in mankind. thank you for reminding that there is hope. thank you for inspiring me. thank you for teaching me! thank you for being you....CONOR BROWN!!!!
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